Blindside

Sure enough...Eli was down for the count again after waking up from his afternoon nap.  103.2.  One of the highest in awhile.  But the only remainder of his long list of gross kids viruses that we originally thought was the reason for the fevers were a few faint red marks on his leg.  He was fevering but didn't have a virus...and his stomach....

"...oh...shit...."
and,
"what are the results of the xray?!" 

those were the only two thoughts we had in our head.  The clock ticked on and then the doctors office closed and then the hospital and then it was night and no one else had called.

But also like usual...a few hours after Eli had a good dose of Ibuprofen the fever was down a little and he was cruising around the house like no ones business. He recently learned how to crawl onto one of the chairs by the window and look out.  That, and sitting under the dining room table...*cough...i mean awesome fort are two of his favorite things to do.  And he was  crawling back and forth from both laughing and playing. We didn't know what to think.

"Maybe he's fine?" "Maybe this is just left over from last week?" "Maybe I picked up something in Kansas or on the plane and he got it?" "Maybe he caught a cold from someone on the bus." "Maybe his teachers at Creative Minds read the thermometer wrong.  Maybe he's not sick." (followed by 5 temperature readings taken...i tried to reason averaging what i was getting to bring it down but we were still at 101)

No one called. We started to think, "Well...it must be nothing because if it was something they wouldn't have let the results sit at the hospital.  They knew it was an emergency x-ray. It must just be nothing."  Eli seemed ok.  Not great, but not horrible.  Certainly nothing we hadn't dealt with before. He went to bed and Rob and I planned to honor by our daycare's 24 hour fever rule and have Eli stay home the next day.

April 4th, 2012

6:45AM - Eli wakes up.  Both Rob and I didn't sleep great...that nagging feeling in my stomach had not gone away.  It was my turn to stay home with him so Rob left for work.  I had just discovered Yo, Gabba Gabba. One of the only small kids shows I don't want to shoot the tv (or myself) watching.  And I'll be honest.  I'm not a morning person. I like to take the first 3 hours of my day slowly. And I'm no ones hero, especially on sick days. I'll never pretend I don't use the tv to distract my kid so i can drink coffee and go through my daily apps on my Iphone.  And that's what was happening. Both Eli and I were kicking it with DJ Lance about 15 minutes into the program when the phone rang. 

"SELLWOOD MEDICAL PRACTICE" my phone identified.     ...my stomach turned

"Hello?"
"Hi, is this Meg? This is Andrea, from Dr. Pritchards office."

"Yes.......Hi..."  I was expecting the phone call but realized it wasn't even 8 AM.  They were calling me before the clinic even opened for the day.

"We are so sorry you were not called yesterday.  The hospital didn't send the results until this morning." She paused. 
"Meg,  I'm so sorry but the x-ray confirmed there is a large mass coming from Ei's right side. Or it could be that his liver is swollen.  Either way,  he will need to go to OHSU Doernbecher's immediately.  Can a 9 AM ultrasound work?"

bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

my brain fogged over.

"um...ya. well...my husband has the car. um...he just went to work.  I'll call him? I guess...ya.."

She became very sweet and calm like all good nurses do.

"Yes.  Call him.  I can get you in for 10:30 AM appointment if that's easier.  Don't worry.  We'll figure out what the heck is going on."

I hung up and stared at Eli.  He smiled and handed me his toy car, "Ma-ma aaahgaaA!"  I pulled up his shirt and laid him down.  At that moment it was clear to me that there was a mass on his right side.  That ever so slight bulge that no one noticed three days ago now seemed obvious. A wave of panic swept over me and i started to cry. I dialed Rob's number.   He answered and I blurted out, "Come home immediately.  They found something in Eli.  We have to go to OHSU immediately...."

and I don't remember his reply or the next 30 minutes while i waited for him to get home.  I've actually never had that happen to me...I mean..I've been devastated before but this was much, much more intense.   Complete sorrow in one fell swoop.  He's my baby.  My only baby.  He's just a year old.

I think I called my mother.  I don't remember much until we were close to Doernbecher.  OHSU (Oregon Health & Science University) is a huge hospital.  It sits way up on the Southwestern side of the downtown Portland hills.  Eli was born here..well in a building up here... last March and both of us knew how to get up on the hill quickly.  But we'd never been to Doernbecher....the children's hospital.  Ugh. 

Doernbecher Children's Hospital

On the 7th floor we waited in a lovely, sun filled waiting area that was adorned with awesome kids toys and colorful murals.  Rob and I looked at each other and said, "He's going to be ok."   Neither of us were crying and our sense of hope with urgency returned.  We had pulled our shit together is the technical term. We were called into the room and Eli was lubed up.  I found it so ironic (if that is the right word) that he was having an ultrasound on his tummy and just 54 weeks ago I was looking at him in my belly with the same machine.   I couldn't read the young woman who was preforming the checks.  I have thought this before...they must teach that...complete stone face if you want to do that for a living.  I remember during one of our ultrasounds when i was pregnant and at the very end she said, "so..do you guys want to know if it's a boy or girl?"  and i couldn't believe that we had been looking at the same thing and she hadn't given it away.  I could never do that job.  I have a horrible poker face.

"I'm done now.  I'll go give these to the head Radiologist and she'll come talk with you. It will be a little bit."

Eli having an ultrasound

Those moments were the worst.  The absolute apex of not knowing what was going on.

She came in and cut right to the chase looking directly at me.  "Hello.  I'm Kathrine Hopkins.  I'm the Director of Pediatric Radiology here at OHSU.  I'm sorry to tell you this but we are confirming a mass.  A large one.  It's likely coming from the right kidney although without further imaging i can not be 100% certain.  At this moment though, and with the 20 years of experience I have, with what I'm seeing with Eli's ultrasound I'm going to bet it's a Wilms Tumor."

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz

The sound of Rob beginning to cry pushes me further into a fog.

"um.....ok? what does that mean...i mean...a tumor?  how do we...um...what do we ...um...do?" I managed to stumble something of that nature to her.

She immediately replied, "We are going to have to do more imaging to confirm. Today.  It it's a Wilms we will need to see what stage it's in but it always requires a surgery to remove the tumor and a scheduled treatment of chemo."

My heart shattered.  " 'What stage it's in...chemo'...so cancer?"

"If it's a Wilms then yes.  They are always malignant.  But we won't know until we can get a cat-scan. I do have good news. I don't see anything at this point in his other kidney.  I know that may not seem like much right now but trust me.  That's very good.  You may have caught this early enough."

I began to cry.

She told us that Eli would need to be admitted but it would likely be a few hours to get a bed ready.  We were left to gather our things and somehow ourselves.  We stayed there for awhile.  In the darkness of the ultrasound room and cried.  Eli was confused.  He tried to pat us and smiled.  He's such a good boy.

 We were blindsided